15 Things We Should Consider Not Posting On Facebook Anymore

1. How many centimeters dilated you are. Although it’s been fun following every day of your pregnancy, this is something we never need to know. Ever. EVER. Hang on I just started my period I’ll be right back.

2. You’re moving out so you’re giving away free shit. It’s nice and everything, but most likely  no one will want your shit stained area rug or couch, even if it is free.

We're giving this couch away for free yall!

3. Picture of your baby in front of raisins. Picture of your baby picking up the raisins. Picture of your baby putting the raisins in his mouth. Picture of your baby chewing the raisins. Picture of your baby in front of a plate that used to have all the raisins he ate on it.

4. How much studying you have to do and how busy you are. You sure? Cause you’ve been commenting on my albums from 3 years ago for like, a few hours now.

5. Extensive details about your workout and the 10K you’re prepping for. I can play that game too! Walked to the bathroom. Walked to the living room. Pressed power button on computer. Typed on keys quickly without taking any breaks. I’m up to 75 words per minute baby!

6. A picture of the flowers your boyfriend gave you. Why are you thanking us? We didn’t give you the flowers.

Sorry ladies, he's taken.

7. Checking in at a place and tagging all of the people you’re with. Why don’t you just…talk to the people you’re with? Or play an actual game of tag?

8.Telling everyone how drunk you are or are going to get tonight. Don’t worry, we’ll be able to tell by the pictures you post tomorrow.

9. Stop having public Facebook birthdays. It makes stalking you sooo much less interesting.

10. Your weird urban-infused engagement photos. Although I’m totally addicted to looking at them, I don’t know when or why it became trendy to dress really nice and take photos in gutters.

"Love the background in this one! So artsy!!!"

11. A picture of yourself, taken by you, liked by you, and commented on by you. That’s so narcissistic. Facebook is supposed to be about…wait never mind that’s totally appropriate.

12. Another post shit-talking the Kardashians. You watch ‘em? You love ‘em.

13. Status updates about how sick you are. No one cares about your stupid chronic illness!

Ugh, my fibromyalgia is acting up.

14.  Pictures of inanimate objects with your hipstamatic photo app. Yeah we get it, even a picture of a lamp will look cool under that filter. But it’s still just a lamp bro!

Congrats on getting stoned and deciding you're a photographer now.

15. Any variation of this phrase: “Today is the day that I marry my best friend.” Shouldn’t you be like, preparing to lose your V card?!

 

Health, Happiness, and Glorious Glorious Facebook.

 

 

Photocredits:

Weird Urban Engagement Photos: greenweddingshoes.com

Shit Stained Couch: uglyhousephotos.com

 

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102 thoughts on “15 Things We Should Consider Not Posting On Facebook Anymore

  1. This is amazing. I wish I were funny enough to write like this. Thank God there are people like this author. Gives me hope.

    • Exactly the reason I am no longer on FB. Read point number one. A friend of a friend thought I needed daily updates of how far along she was in her pregnancy, like I personally cared. I have nothing against kids, but this qualifies as TMI. Along with all the other stupid things people would post on Facebook. At least on Twitter, people have a good reason for being on there.

      • I should admit that when I was on FB I tried sending a message about how I didn’t care for seeing graphic pictures of what should remain strictly between a person and their doctor by posting every status update regarding every time I got a trophy in Assassin’s creed but realized I was just sinking down to their level and obliterated my account soon after.

  2. What fun ! ! ! You’ve got a great mind that latches on to those instamatic events that happen to most of us, and thoughts most of us should be thinking about, but pass by with no or little notice. Wonderful, but it seems plenty of readers have told you this already. (Like this capsule background…reminds me of relief).
    Later….

  3. Au contraire, these are the only things I like about Facebook. The more poop pictures and the more narcissism, the better.

    • Exactly the reason I am no longer on FB. Read point number one. A friend of a friend thought I needed daily updates of how far along she was in her pregnancy, like I personally cared. I have nothing against kids, but this qualifies as TMI. Along with all the other stupid things people would post on Facebook. At least on Twitter, people have a good reason for being on there.

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