1. How many centimeters dilated you are. Although it’s been fun following every day of your pregnancy, this is something we never need to know. Ever. EVER. Hang on I just started my period I’ll be right back.
2. You’re moving out so you’re giving away free shit. It’s nice and everything, but most likely no one will want your shit stained area rug or couch, even if it is free.
We're giving this couch away for free yall!
3. Picture of your baby in front of raisins. Picture of your baby picking up the raisins. Picture of your baby putting the raisins in his mouth. Picture of your baby chewing the raisins. Picture of your baby in front of a plate that used to have all the raisins he ate on it.
4. How much studying you have to do and how busy you are. You sure? Cause you’ve been commenting on my albums from 3 years ago for like, a few hours now.
5. Extensive details about your workout and the 10K you’re prepping for. I can play that game too! Walked to the bathroom. Walked to the living room. Pressed power button on computer. Typed on keys quickly without taking any breaks. I’m up to 75 words per minute baby!
6. A picture of the flowers your boyfriend gave you. Why are you thanking us? We didn’t give you the flowers.
Sorry ladies, he's taken.
7. Checking in at a place and tagging all of the people you’re with. Why don’t you just…talk to the people you’re with? Or play an actual game of tag?
8.Telling everyone how drunk you are or are going to get tonight. Don’t worry, we’ll be able to tell by the pictures you post tomorrow.
9. Stop having public Facebook birthdays. It makes stalking you sooo much less interesting.
10. Your weird urban-infused engagement photos. Although I’m totally addicted to looking at them, I don’t know when or why it became trendy to dress really nice and take photos in gutters.
"Love the background in this one! So artsy!!!"
11. A picture of yourself, taken by you, liked by you, and commented on by you. That’s so narcissistic. Facebook is supposed to be about…wait never mind that’s totally appropriate.
12. Another post shit-talking the Kardashians. You watch ‘em? You love ‘em.
13. Status updates about how sick you are. No one cares about your stupid chronic illness!
Ugh, my fibromyalgia is acting up.
14. Pictures of inanimate objects with your hipstamatic photo app. Yeah we get it, even a picture of a lamp will look cool under that filter. But it’s still just a lamp bro!
Congrats on getting stoned and deciding you're a photographer now.
15. Any variation of this phrase: “Today is the day that I marry my best friend.” Shouldn’t you be like, preparing to lose your V card?!
Health, Happiness, and Glorious Glorious Facebook.
Photocredits:
Weird Urban Engagement Photos: greenweddingshoes.com
Shit Stained Couch: uglyhousephotos.com
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Lol. Awesome! Your observational skills are right on!
Your so funny, funny true! Yet I’m guilty of doing half those. I’m glad I got rid of my Facebook Lololol
Are you aware facebook will be utter devoid of any content if this post becomes reality?
This made me piss myself with laughter. (Don’t worry, I won’t offer up my pee-stained pants on Facebook!)
This is hilarious. I’m in love with your entire blog.
Oh man, I love this so much!! Your writing is brilliant and I’m sure I’m the first person to say that.
And stop making reposts of something just to see how many people comment on it! That stuffs annoys me to no end!
So funny! Once again, you nailed it. Thanks for writing -
Ha ha! – Fair play!
HAHAHAHAHA this is hilarious!!!!
You all are so negative…if you don’t want to read them, don’t. You can just leave the page or skip the post. There are people that post because it is cheaper to post than make a phone call. I call my folks/sisters.brothers about twice a month due to costs. They don’t live near me. But to keep up on their lives, and the lives of their children and their children’s children, we use FB. It’s a great way for families to stay in touch. Most of these posts aren’t meant for the basic public anyway. Yes, I know the page can be set to “family/friends”. But there are so many that join that want to know what’s going on as they get to know the family, that it end ups showing. Like I said just bypass it….life is too short to stress over it…
I agree Cheryl….if they don’t want to know things about your life and what’s going on in it…they shouldn’t be in your FB network. Life is short…I am not going to let posts like these influence what I post on FB. Kudos…so many people jump on the bandwagon and they’re like, yeah, hey I agree, ha ha ha. But yet they are the same people who post similiar things to some listed above.
You’re cuckoo and I like it.
)
How about all of those awful re-posts? “A sister is a friend for life, a shoulder to cry on, a kindred spirit to laugh with. She knows the best and worst about you and still loves you. Re-post if you have a special sister in your life.” Or fill in the blank with any other relative, or a teacher, or a soldier, or a police officer, or whatever. Ok, we all have special people in our lives and we can be thankful for the work of soldiers and law enforcement officers and teachers and whoever else, but we don’t need to re-post gag-worthy tributes.
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Very true, couldn’t agree more.
Lol!!! This is so hilarious!
Honestly, You are right.. Now, we have to decide all things about post and upload. Nice post. I come to know about your blog post by top WordPress blog.
Love this! Thanks for the laugh!
I am also guilty of most of them, but think you are missing one, Pics of just born babies! Lest be honest! when they just born they are ALL ugly…no EXCEPTION.. please people can u wait till they look like human beings!
Hilarious! Unfortunately I am guilty of #10. Not only do I love those images, I photograph them for my clients
Funny and o so true!
Ooooh my gosh, so true! Haha wow, I loved the photos, too, especially the engagement ones. I, too, am totally addicted to looking at those but I don’t know why.
Awesome blog, you have a great writing style. Sorry you have so many friends having babies, though. I’m still pretty young, so I only have 2 or 3 friends I have to suffer through the raisin pics with….so far….
I want to say I’ll never do that…but I probably will.
If people didnt post any of those 15 things what would be left for them to post? lol I think thats 90% of what I see posted every day!
Anyone who thinks Mary is “bitching” or “moaning” or “whining” about her own life, and wallowing in the very narcissism that she so brilliantly opens our eyes to on FB, must have been asleep in junior high English lit when the teachers were teaching satire and parody. They must have missed how some of the greatest writers who ever picked up a quill or sat at a keyboard were, and will always be, the comical “social critics” who challenge our values. Great writers have the command of language to challenge our values–to make us think, and also to move us in some way either by laughing (especially at ourselves and the absurdities we all engage in!!!) or crying or feeling something within our hearts or minds or souls in a powerful way. Mary is a natural talent in the great American tradition of Mark Twain and all the New Yorker magazine satirists and humorists down to Garrison Keillor and way, way too many others who would recognize her gifts and talents in this hilarious takedown of Facebook absurdities. Any serious reader will recognize how brilliantly this posting of hers exposes the emptiness and shallowness of so many people’s lives. I mean, if you’re posting pictures of your tacos on FB, you’re dead where you sit. You are dead in the sense of letting the only life you’ll ever have, that God gave you to live to the fullest, to live pass you by. That’s actually a sad thing that is exposed so well by this comic take of Mary’s. And anyone who has bothered to read her story and how debilitating her malady has been in her own life will see that like so many great writers, she takes her own pain and suffering in life and transforms it in her creative writing. It is writing that inspires me–I can’t imagine how I would cope with the pain she has– while also making me (as they say on FB) LOL!!!. She has the potential to have a career in humor writing with endless possibilities–whether writing books or for magazines or the late show comics on TV. Keep writing and developing and refining your craft here, Mary, and may God’s love and grace and healing power keep you and your muses ever inspired.
Agree – this was hysterical and brillantly written…
People who post that they can’t sleep! I can’t sleep coz they keep making my phone go off at 4 am!