I promised myself I would dedicate one year to this stupid blog, good, bad, ugly, healthy, sick, and everything in between. This week falls under the ugly category. It’s hard to explain, but it’s been really challenging physically and mentally. I don’t feel like writing about it, but I’m trying to stick to my goal. I’m really terrible at meeting goals, so take this!!…me….Now I’m yelling at myself? Awesome. I’m on a roll.
I woke up feeling like death again today. Bad migraine, pain all over, and a foggy foggy head. I am still battling the migraine and the brightness of this computer screen isn’t helping exactly but nothing is helping exactly so I’ll keep going.
It’s been a sick week. A dead week. I can hardly articulate what I mean because my brain doesn’t seem to be doing its job; like processing thoughts. Like being able to talk and write correctly. Like making sense of peoples sentences. Like probably failing my anatomy test on Wednesday. But I need to stay focused and like my mom always tells me: Just do today. Just do what’s in front of you.
It’s weeks like this where I’ll be looking for my phone while talking on my phone. Where getting up from a sitting position makes my heart pound and gives me shortness of breath. Migraines check. Achy body check. Unwarranted exhaustion check. Depression, hopelessness, anger, check check check.
What I am trying to do is be at peace with what is happening in this moment. Even if that entails feeling like shit physically and feeling sad mentally. Sometimes, you need to let yourself be sad. Cry it out. Or punch it out through a pillow. This week has been a battle with myself. It’s crazy to me that I still have to remind myself that I can’t do the things other people can. I can’t keep up with the pace of most of the world. What’s been hard is the feeling that my life is absolutely out of control. It’s like I am floating, just going wherever the current takes me and not having a say so in where I end up. That’s a tough feeling. That has a little to do with the anxiety I’ve been feeling I think.
Someone once told me that control is just a facade and that rang true to me. People love to be in control, but the truth is we have very little control over many things that happen to us. People who do everything right get cancer. People who want to get pregnant can’t. People who are smart with their money lose it all to something they couldn’t help. Good people die young and evil people grow old. There are a million ways in which to feel like we have control. But maybe that’s all it is– a feeling. Not anything real.
Of course in saying all of this, I realize there are parts of my life that I can control. Like; don’t start drinking screw drivers at 1 am. DUH. There are consequences I know I can prevent and I need to start being proactive about those parts. I guess I am still dealing with the acceptance part of this and I don’t know how long that is going to take. Apparently like 15 years isn’t long enough. Maybe it will be a life long endeavor. Yaaay sounds fun! I really need to focus my energy towards positive things or I’m going to fall in a hole of doubt and never get out. There are people way worse off and getting by with more freedom and more happiness. Maybe Oprah is right. Maybe life really is easy, we just make it hard.
I have no idea if anything I just wrote was coherent or adhered to any type of organization or if it was all disoriented jargon. But, I wrote. When I really didn’t feel like writing. And I promised myself I would do this, so here is me doing it. And possibly failing. But at least failing means I tried. Fourth grade lessons coming full circle woohoooo! Head is throbbing now, back to rest.
Health Happiness and Disoriented Jargon