The Very Creepy Things I Do

This is something I did today. While driving across the causeway in my 2004 green corolla, I blared Justin Bieber’s “Baby” really loud and sang pretty near the top of my lungs, hitting all the high notes while staying in my lower register. It felt really good. So then, I blared Lady Gaga “Born this Way” and again, belted it…awkwardly making loud generic sounds at the parts where I didn’t know the lyrics. That turned out to be fun so I played some Edward Sharp and continued giving a free live show to all of Lake Ponchartrain. Then, I put on one of my favorites; Lil Wayne. Because nothing makes a scrawny white girl driving a corolla feel cooler than belting the lyrics to “Lollilop” or basically any song from Tha Carter III. Another great one by Wayne, (that’s what you call him if you’re tight with him) is “I’m Me.” It makes me feel like being a loser is really cool. “You can love me or hate me, I swear it won’t make me or break me.” Yeeeeah…take THAT America! Bill O’Reilly!

You know what bothers me? When someone starts singing along to a song, but they start singing really seriously. Like the look on their face is really emotional and you’re like “Should I stop telling the story about my brother sharting on himself?”(Real story) Anyway it always makes me a little uncomfortable. I’m all about singing to the Heavens while you’re in your car, but while you have passengers? No. No, no, no. It’s like they’re performing a show for you that you never planned to attend. And sometimes they carry on a little too long where you feel like you’re supposed to say “Wow, you have a great voice!” But if there’s a third person in the car, they’ll usually say “Who sings this song?” And the person singing too loudly will say “Mariah Carrey.” And then the third person will say “Yeah, let’s keep it that way.” This usually upsets the performer and prompts her to sing louder just to annoy passenger three. If there’s a fourth passenger, he’ll yell something like “Yeah, DON’T quit your day job!!” and then high five passenger 3. I am passenger 2 in this scenario, and I’m rolling my eyes. Because I hate both of those phrases, probably even more than emotional sing alongs.

While we’re on the subject of…whoa I haven’t even stuck to what I titled this. I’m going to have to change it. But what I was going to write is that I hate when girls get married and then start referring to their husbands as their “hubby.” And then their FB status is all “Can’t wait till my hubby gets home and we get to pick my elbow scab!” Or something equally fun. I just wonder how that terminology began, because I see the transition unfold before my eyes. Before the wedding: boyfriend. After the wedding: hubby. Ew! But you know what I LOVE?! Looking at people’s wedding albums on Facebook. Oh God, I could do that all day. I don’t even have to remotely know the person. And here is a creepy thing I have done. I typed in a girls name that I went to high school with because I hadn’t heard about her in a long time. She kindof has a generic name. But, the first name that popped up, was this different girl, a girl who lived in Shreveport. (A girl I didn’t know.) She was pretty and I saw that her profile picture was of her and her hubby (see what I did there?) at the alter. I clicked on her profile to see that 1. her profile was public and 2. she had gotten married a month earlier. DING DING DING. I looked through like 150 pictures-all of them- wedding party, father-daughter dance, and the old grandma busting a move (classic). Then I thought about just how creepy it was what I was doing and my phone rang and I took it as a sign that I should stop. So I did. And now, for some INSANE reason I’ve shared that with the world. You’re welcome. Well, sorry. But more, you’re welcome.

Health, Happiness, CREEPERS

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58 thoughts on “The Very Creepy Things I Do

  1. Lol this reminds me of my sister. We were at my neighbours place one day, and she wants to add my neighbours fiancee to facebook. She cant find HIM, amongst two hundred and something people with the same name…. so being drunk, she adds them all.

    Im not sure what was creepier, her doing that or the 100+ new random friends she then got.

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  2. K. I’m with you all that preggers and ‘we’re pregnant’ are the worst, but I will confess that since getting married ‘hubby’ is my effing favourite word.

    As a fellow ME pill-popper, and having been dumped by any man-thing that got a wiff of my chronic disease and potentially longterm dependence, I am playing the sick card to reclaim hubby as a comfort word within my own realm.

    And don’t worry, I’m only friends on FB with my husband’s troupe of adolescent nimrod man-boy highschool friends and their pregnant wives (who have never said ‘preggers’ thank god, but do use too many exclamation points) so it’s okay.

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  3. I love wedding photos, or any photos of people that are naive enough to not only let ‘friends’ see their photos. WTF? I dislike hubby, but I HATE my MAN. Going home to see my man. My man is taking me to the movies. My man is a douche bag. Sorry! Needed to get that off my chest.

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  4. I was JUST telling someone how I can NOT stand the word HUBBY. Also, “adore.” And then people say, “I ADORE my HUBBY,” in the same sentence and I want to kill them. I have just come across your blog today and I love it.

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  5. I totally agree w this WHOLE post but esp the part ab the singing in the car thing. I always try and turn the music up little by little…sometimes a lot depending on how loud the passenger is singing. Eventually they’ll get the hint and shut up bc I also hate when ppl say u shouldn’t quit ur day job and all the other shit. I enjoy ur posts SO much…they are so hilarious and most of the time Ive done the same thing ur talking about!

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  6. Thanks for sharing that – I’m also a massive wedding picture creep.

    I think it’s probably more creepy that I don’t put any pictures on facebook (even when asked by friends) on the grounds that I know there’s people out there creepy enough to stalk them. HA!

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  7. I don’t know…I was reading this blog and I arrived at this part and felt like my life was just complete. for the night anyway! You made me laugh a hearty laugh. Thanks!

    “You know what bothers me? When someone starts singing along to a song, but they start singing really seriously. Like the look on their face is really emotional and you’re like “Should I stop telling the story about my brother sharting on himself?”(Real story) Anyway it always makes me a little uncomfortable.”

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  8. Everyone is asleep in my house except for me….that may not be the case after this line “And then their FB status is all “Can’t wait till my hubby gets home and we get to pick my elbow scab!” I haven’t laughed that much in a while. This is a wonderful blog post :]

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  9. Loved your White Girls on FB post! And this one made me giggle, too. Everyone is a facebook creeper. Oh, and here’s much more annoying, yet sadly frequent, fb term than ‘hubby’…’the hubs.’ *yuck*

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  10. If you’re a Facebook wedding creeper, then you might like http://www.themomentjunkie.com! It’s a blog with awesome shots ranging from ridiculous to sentimental from photogs all over the world. One of my friends linked to it on FB and whenever I’m having a lame day, I take a look because by the end I’m either laughing or crying over people I will never, ever know in person.

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  11. You know, at first, I thought DH meant Dang Husband. I thought it fit quite well. Imagine my disappointment when I found out what it really stood for. I usually just refer to mine by name (or stud muffin for laughs).

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  12. YOU are an EXCELLENT writer. I really enjoyed this. Fresh, easy to follow and relatable.

    “But what I was going to write is that I hate when girls get married and then start referring to their husbands as their hubby.'”

    DITTO. I said it once (I actually didn’t even say it, I typed it in a blog-post re-comment) and felt sick afterwards. He’s still my boyfriend. I just married my boyfriend.

    I’ll be checking in! Awesome stuff.
    Aun Aqui

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  13. Oh, snap; I’ve totally done that with the wedding photos. Also? If a mutual friend has a hottie-model-friend with a public profile? I’ll totally look at everysingleone of their modeling portfolio pics. True story.

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  14. Hubby is bad, as is DH. It took me a long time to figure out what it stands for and now I wish I could just unknow it because man is it creepy to refer to your husband as “darling husband.” What husband even wants to be called darling? I’m pretty sure mine doesn’t. What ever happened to just referring to husbands by their names?

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  15. I truly hate when people (girls) say “hubby” or “bestie”…especially when its a Facebook status and they add a heart (<3) at the end. HOW or WHY IS THAT CUTE?! lol

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  16. All hail to “uncool” Corolla drivers listening and singling loudly to questionable pop music!! You just described my main source of entertainment there. As for the pictures, well, I sort of assumed that everyone kinda likes to do this. Otherwise why would so many people scramble to make their fb pages private and/or constantly complain about there not being enough privacy available? Eh?

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  17. Thats awesome. I do the same thing (referring to the creepers stuff). It’s cause of my vouyeristic tendencies. :-) I also picture myself being in the music video of whatever song I’m hearing on the radio while I’m driving and how I would do it. The whole hubby thing, I’m guilty of that..

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  18. I hate it when people ask me about my husband and call him “hubby”. It’s just a horrible word all around (as is preggers!). What’s even worse I think is when middle aged women use it. I don’t know why, but it’s just even more cringe worthy. I alway loved how my great grandmother referred to mine and my cousins’ husbands- our men!

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    1. Oh yeah, “preggers”, I hate that one. It sounds bad. One day “preggers” is going to be used as often and casually as “hubby”. Well, I hope not. As if either of those terms should be used.

      Preggers almost sound demeaning. Like if your gonna make fun of a pregnant girl ‘cos she’s pregnant, you’d snicker and call her preggers. Eww.See what awful, distastful thing that word makes me think of?

      And “hubby” sounds like you’re feminizing “husband”. Like when people use the word “manny” for a male nanny.

      Back to topic, I wouldn’t mind people I don’t know looking at my wedding photos; for the price you pay to have them taken… One of mine ended up on my photographer’s home website page and I thought that was kinda cool. It was a great day and if looking at them brings someone else, even a stranger a little joy, then that’s nice.

      A day full of love and beauty and flowers and promise… There are so many other things a person could look at that would make them a creep.

      .

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    2. Even worse than hubby or preggers? The smug announcement “we’re pregnant” Agghhhh Nails down the blackboard of my soul! There’s no “we” in vomiting for three months, retaining fluid until you slosh when you walk, then pushing a baby out of a space that nature made too damn small!

      Love your blog by the way Mary. I’m so pleased that what’s making us happy is also making you happy :-)

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  19. Hahahah win. So. Much. Win. Don’t feel so weird. I do the same thing. But I just like to look at pictures and make up stories for each one. :D It’s like a fun game. Play with your friends ;D

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  20. The BEST place for looking at people’s wedding pictures (especially people you don’t know) is wedding photographer’s blogs. I have two friends on facebook who are wedding photographers, and one who is a makeup artist so I’m pretty inundated with wedding stuff like 24/7. & I’m only giving you their links for the purpose of creeping, not promotion (I only do that for myself).

    http://www.danielcruzphoto.com and http://www.saralucero.com

    Anyway, the hubby thing annoys me beyond belief, and unfortunately you’ll find a lot of that on link #2… so beware! Happy creeping!

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  21. can i just point out that i have just done that with this blog? whats even weirder, is that one of my facebook friends had a link to one of your posts as his status, so you sorta-kinda know me…

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  22. Okay- that is hilarious!!! Mostly because it all rings true – I confess that I also have looked at random strangers wedding photos – its fun! Creepy, but fun :) YOur blog is a crack up!

    Like

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