The Very Creepy Things I Do

This is something I did today. While driving across the causeway in my 2004 green corolla, I blared Justin Bieber’s “Baby” really loud and sang pretty near the top of my lungs, hitting all the high notes while staying in my lower register. It felt really good. So then, I blared Lady Gaga “Born this Way” and again, belted it…awkwardly making loud generic sounds at the parts where I didn’t know the lyrics. That turned out to be fun so I played some Edward Sharp and continued giving a free live show to all of Lake Ponchartrain. Then, I put on one of my favorites; Lil Wayne. Because nothing makes a scrawny white girl driving a corolla feel cooler than belting the lyrics to “Lollilop” or basically any song from Tha Carter III. Another great one by Wayne, (that’s what you call him if you’re tight with him) is “I’m Me.” It makes me feel like being a loser is really cool. “You can love me or hate me, I swear it won’t make me or break me.” Yeeeeah…take THAT America! Bill O’Reilly!

You know what bothers me? When someone starts singing along to a song, but they start singing really seriously. Like the look on their face is really emotional and you’re like “Should I stop telling the story about my brother sharting on himself?”(Real story) Anyway it always makes me a little uncomfortable. I’m all about singing to the Heavens while you’re in your car, but while you have passengers? No. No, no, no. It’s like they’re performing a show for you that you never planned to attend. And sometimes they carry on a little too long where you feel like you’re supposed to say “Wow, you have a great voice!” But if there’s a third person in the car, they’ll usually say “Who sings this song?” And the person singing too loudly will say “Mariah Carrey.” And then the third person will say “Yeah, let’s keep it that way.” This usually upsets the performer and prompts her to sing louder just to annoy passenger three. If there’s a fourth passenger, he’ll yell something like “Yeah, DON’T quit your day job!!” and then high five passenger 3. I am passenger 2 in this scenario, and I’m rolling my eyes. Because I hate both of those phrases, probably even more than emotional sing alongs.

While we’re on the subject of…whoa I haven’t even stuck to what I titled this. I’m going to have to change it. But what I was going to write is that I hate when girls get married and then start referring to their husbands as their “hubby.” And then their FB status is all “Can’t wait till my hubby gets home and we get to pick my elbow scab!” Or something equally fun. I just wonder how that terminology began, because I see the transition unfold before my eyes. Before the wedding: boyfriend. After the wedding: hubby. Ew! But you know what I LOVE?! Looking at people’s wedding albums on Facebook. Oh God, I could do that all day. I don’t even have to remotely know the person. And here is a creepy thing I have done. I typed in a girls name that I went to high school with because I hadn’t heard about her in a long time. She kindof has a generic name. But, the first name that popped up, was this different girl, a girl who lived in Shreveport. (A girl I didn’t know.) She was pretty and I saw that her profile picture was of her and her hubby (see what I did there?) at the alter. I clicked on her profile to see that 1. her profile was public and 2. she had gotten married a month earlier. DING DING DING. I looked through like 150 pictures-all of them- wedding party, father-daughter dance, and the old grandma busting a move (classic). Then I thought about just how creepy it was what I was doing and my phone rang and I took it as a sign that I should stop. So I did. And now, for some INSANE reason I’ve shared that with the world. You’re welcome. Well, sorry. But more, you’re welcome.

Health, Happiness, CREEPERS