1. How many centimeters dilated you are. Although it’s been fun following every day of your pregnancy, this is something we never need to know. Ever. EVER. Hang on I just started my period I’ll be right back.
2. You’re moving out so you’re giving away free shit. It’s nice and everything, but most likely no one will want your shit stained area rug or couch, even if it is free.
3. Picture of your baby in front of raisins. Picture of your baby picking up the raisins. Picture of your baby putting the raisins in his mouth. Picture of your baby chewing the raisins. Picture of your baby in front of a plate that used to have all the raisins he ate on it.
4. How much studying you have to do and how busy you are. You sure? Cause you’ve been commenting on my albums from 3 years ago for like, a few hours now.
5. Extensive details about your workout and the 10K you’re prepping for. I can play that game too! Walked to the bathroom. Walked to the living room. Pressed power button on computer. Typed on keys quickly without taking any breaks. I’m up to 75 words per minute baby!
6. A picture of the flowers your boyfriend gave you. Why are you thanking us? We didn’t give you the flowers.
7. Checking in at a place and tagging all of the people you’re with. Why don’t you just…talk to the people you’re with? Or play an actual game of tag?
8.Telling everyone how drunk you are or are going to get tonight. Don’t worry, we’ll be able to tell by the pictures you post tomorrow.
9. Stop having public Facebook birthdays. It makes stalking you sooo much less interesting.
10. Your weird urban-infused engagement photos. Although I’m totally addicted to looking at them, I don’t know when or why it became trendy to dress really nice and take photos in gutters.
11. A picture of yourself, taken by you, liked by you, and commented on by you. That’s so narcissistic. Facebook is supposed to be about…wait never mind that’s totally appropriate.
12. Another post shit-talking the Kardashians. You watch ’em? You love ’em.
13. Status updates about how sick you are. No one cares about your stupid chronic illness!
14. Pictures of inanimate objects with your hipstamatic photo app. Yeah we get it, even a picture of a lamp will look cool under that filter. But it’s still just a lamp bro!
15. Any variation of this phrase: “Today is the day that I marry my best friend.” Shouldn’t you be like, preparing to lose your V card?!
Health, Happiness, and Glorious Glorious Facebook.
Photocredits:
Weird Urban Engagement Photos: greenweddingshoes.com
Shit Stained Couch: uglyhousephotos.com
FibroM.E.-Awesome 
great value gluten free food list
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I fell in love with this post, and your blog, actually. Guilty of #4, and loooooved #5. I opted to get a blog and do less FB. :P
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agencja-gekos.pl
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This is amazing. I wish I were funny enough to write like this. Thank God there are people like this author. Gives me hope.
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Exactly the reason I am no longer on FB. Read point number one. A friend of a friend thought I needed daily updates of how far along she was in her pregnancy, like I personally cared. I have nothing against kids, but this qualifies as TMI. Along with all the other stupid things people would post on Facebook. At least on Twitter, people have a good reason for being on there.
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I should admit that when I was on FB I tried sending a message about how I didn’t care for seeing graphic pictures of what should remain strictly between a person and their doctor by posting every status update regarding every time I got a trophy in Assassin’s creed but realized I was just sinking down to their level and obliterated my account soon after.
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a male pointing a gun at a babies head is not appropriate for face book posting
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so what else is left to post on facebook if we shouldn’t post any of that stuff?
links to blog stories?
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Or play an actual game of tag? Ha, I love it! Thanks for the laugh!
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What fun ! ! ! You’ve got a great mind that latches on to those instamatic events that happen to most of us, and thoughts most of us should be thinking about, but pass by with no or little notice. Wonderful, but it seems plenty of readers have told you this already. (Like this capsule background…reminds me of relief).
Later….
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Au contraire, these are the only things I like about Facebook. The more poop pictures and the more narcissism, the better.
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Exactly the reason I am no longer on FB. Read point number one. A friend of a friend thought I needed daily updates of how far along she was in her pregnancy, like I personally cared. I have nothing against kids, but this qualifies as TMI. Along with all the other stupid things people would post on Facebook. At least on Twitter, people have a good reason for being on there.
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Lol. Awesome! Your observational skills are right on!
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Your so funny, funny true! Yet I’m guilty of doing half those. I’m glad I got rid of my Facebook Lololol
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Are you aware facebook will be utter devoid of any content if this post becomes reality?
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This made me piss myself with laughter. (Don’t worry, I won’t offer up my pee-stained pants on Facebook!) ;)
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This is hilarious. I’m in love with your entire blog.
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Oh man, I love this so much!! Your writing is brilliant and I’m sure I’m the first person to say that. :)
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And stop making reposts of something just to see how many people comment on it! That stuffs annoys me to no end!
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So funny! Once again, you nailed it. Thanks for writing –
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Ha ha! – Fair play!
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HAHAHAHAHA this is hilarious!!!!
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You all are so negative…if you don’t want to read them, don’t. You can just leave the page or skip the post. There are people that post because it is cheaper to post than make a phone call. I call my folks/sisters.brothers about twice a month due to costs. They don’t live near me. But to keep up on their lives, and the lives of their children and their children’s children, we use FB. It’s a great way for families to stay in touch. Most of these posts aren’t meant for the basic public anyway. Yes, I know the page can be set to “family/friends”. But there are so many that join that want to know what’s going on as they get to know the family, that it end ups showing. Like I said just bypass it….life is too short to stress over it…
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I agree Cheryl….if they don’t want to know things about your life and what’s going on in it…they shouldn’t be in your FB network. Life is short…I am not going to let posts like these influence what I post on FB. Kudos…so many people jump on the bandwagon and they’re like, yeah, hey I agree, ha ha ha. But yet they are the same people who post similiar things to some listed above.
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You’re cuckoo and I like it. :))
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How about all of those awful re-posts? “A sister is a friend for life, a shoulder to cry on, a kindred spirit to laugh with. She knows the best and worst about you and still loves you. Re-post if you have a special sister in your life.” Or fill in the blank with any other relative, or a teacher, or a soldier, or a police officer, or whatever. Ok, we all have special people in our lives and we can be thankful for the work of soldiers and law enforcement officers and teachers and whoever else, but we don’t need to re-post gag-worthy tributes.
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Very true, couldn’t agree more.
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Lol!!! This is so hilarious!
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Honestly, You are right.. Now, we have to decide all things about post and upload. Nice post. I come to know about your blog post by top WordPress blog.
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Love this! Thanks for the laugh!
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I am also guilty of most of them, but think you are missing one, Pics of just born babies! Lest be honest! when they just born they are ALL ugly…no EXCEPTION.. please people can u wait till they look like human beings!
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Hilarious! Unfortunately I am guilty of #10. Not only do I love those images, I photograph them for my clients :)
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Funny and o so true!
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Ooooh my gosh, so true! Haha wow, I loved the photos, too, especially the engagement ones. I, too, am totally addicted to looking at those but I don’t know why.
Awesome blog, you have a great writing style. Sorry you have so many friends having babies, though. I’m still pretty young, so I only have 2 or 3 friends I have to suffer through the raisin pics with….so far….
I want to say I’ll never do that…but I probably will.
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If people didnt post any of those 15 things what would be left for them to post? lol I think thats 90% of what I see posted every day!
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Anyone who thinks Mary is “bitching” or “moaning” or “whining” about her own life, and wallowing in the very narcissism that she so brilliantly opens our eyes to on FB, must have been asleep in junior high English lit when the teachers were teaching satire and parody. They must have missed how some of the greatest writers who ever picked up a quill or sat at a keyboard were, and will always be, the comical “social critics” who challenge our values. Great writers have the command of language to challenge our values–to make us think, and also to move us in some way either by laughing (especially at ourselves and the absurdities we all engage in!!!) or crying or feeling something within our hearts or minds or souls in a powerful way. Mary is a natural talent in the great American tradition of Mark Twain and all the New Yorker magazine satirists and humorists down to Garrison Keillor and way, way too many others who would recognize her gifts and talents in this hilarious takedown of Facebook absurdities. Any serious reader will recognize how brilliantly this posting of hers exposes the emptiness and shallowness of so many people’s lives. I mean, if you’re posting pictures of your tacos on FB, you’re dead where you sit. You are dead in the sense of letting the only life you’ll ever have, that God gave you to live to the fullest, to live pass you by. That’s actually a sad thing that is exposed so well by this comic take of Mary’s. And anyone who has bothered to read her story and how debilitating her malady has been in her own life will see that like so many great writers, she takes her own pain and suffering in life and transforms it in her creative writing. It is writing that inspires me–I can’t imagine how I would cope with the pain she has– while also making me (as they say on FB) LOL!!!. She has the potential to have a career in humor writing with endless possibilities–whether writing books or for magazines or the late show comics on TV. Keep writing and developing and refining your craft here, Mary, and may God’s love and grace and healing power keep you and your muses ever inspired.
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Agree – this was hysterical and brillantly written…
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People who post that they can’t sleep! I can’t sleep coz they keep making my phone go off at 4 am!
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Reblogged this on Melissa Takes Off and commented:
aahhhhhhhhh people
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hahahah. i have been ranting about #1 for two years now. in fact, the BEST part is i actually know someone who put up a picture OF THEIR C-SECTION on facebook! the baby coming out of their stomach and everything. my eyes have been permanently scarred from that.
i think you are missing one, though: it’s not just the pictures with the baby eating raisins. it’s the UPDATES about the baby eating raisins. “OMG little Lexie just ate her first spoonful of big girl cereal! awww these first few months are going by so fast-before you know it she’ll be getting married.” If I don’t care what YOU had for breakfast this morning, then I most certainly don’t give a shit what your BABY is eating.
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So I guess you don’t have kids? I see your point honey, but if everyone used Facebook for precisely what interests YOU alone, it would be pretty boring, yes? Sure we all put things on Facebook that aren’t exactly groundbreaking – but I guarantee most of your texts are not going into a peer-reviewed journal anytime soon either. It’s a social medium – people just being social. And raising a kid and watching them grow is a pretty intense part of life. Give parents a break – if you don’t care about the milestones of the HUMAN they are working their asses off to raise (like your mom did you) – then don’t read about it. But for the exhausted mama who is just trying to enjoy the little moments of their day when their child is just sort of being a cute kid – they probably need someone to share those moments with, just to feel connected to someone. When you have kids – you’ll get it. Meantime, have a little compassion.
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babies and hypstamatic prints: get off my newsfeed!
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Reblogged this on Running to Stand Still and commented:
This was an awesome post. I’ve posted a lot about Facebook and my love hate relationship.
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fyi….had to share w/ my facebook buds
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LOL…pure GOLD! I have a similar post, check it out! http://accordingtoadrian.com/2012/01/30/facebook-personalities/
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hoho, totally agree :D
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Fantastic! I’d like to add the creepy 3D baby in the womb 1-2 weeks before birth. They are so creepy!
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Looking at those engagement photos all I can think of is a homeless guy two steps to the right yelling “HEY! I sleep there! Get outta my sidewalk!”
Wait- is that the same girl in each photo?
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Hopefully this post is allowed to be posted on Facebook, because I’m posting it!
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LOL funny (:
If I can’t check in to a place I don’t bother going :p
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Every one of these lists that I see just make me happier I deleted my facebook account.
Thanks for the positive reinforcement!
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This needs to be Freshly Pressed, too, cuz the world needs to read this!!
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You forgot to mention anything with “I love my boyfriend/baby they’re so amazing” tagged at the end. Good for you, I don’t care, just like the flowers they gave you.
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Ouch. Jealous much? If you don’t care enough about the people you are friends with on Facebook to be happy for them, then why are you friends with them. Expressing love for your family is natural and sweet – judging people you are supposedly friends with is pretty heartless.
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If you don’t make this your Facebook status right away, it means you want me dead.
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Check, check and check…yep I do fit under some of those statements, but truly if I wasn’t so stinking adorable in that hat and my big glasses I would have nothing to talk about, or laugh about or comment on. Facebook is the narcissism in all of us. Look at me, look who I am with, look who I love, look what i looked at today. Loved your version. Fantastic!
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Great post! Im guilty of a couple of these though so I should probably retreat into the shadows to lick my wounds.
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I especially agree with numbers 1 and 4. I agree with the workout one to a point, though I assume my annoyance with those posts is really annoyance with myself for being lazy. But I do think a lot of people use FB as a way to say, “Congratulate me! Express your awe of my fitness level!” and on and on. But I guess we all seek attention on FB, so we might as well laugh at ourselves. :)
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Pretty much any status that includes where you are, what you’re doing or thinking should be avoided. Visit http://defeasiblereasoning.wordpress.com/2012/01/25/facebook-this-facebook-that-update-your-status/ to see our reasoning, it might just save your life.
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This is really funny and so true!
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Yeah, posting about your fibro generally leads to UGH. My mom will email me, chastising me for not having told her about how I was feeling. Other people will tell me I just need a special kind of pillow. Other people will tell me to hang in there, cuz it’ll get better.
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OMG that’s soooooo true :) really funny post !!
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I liked this post! Funny! :) Although, I’m of the opinion that telling people what they should & should not post on FB is just stupid. (Not that your post is stupid because I get that even though you might feel like those are annoying things to post, this was just for fun…or at least I think, lol) It’s THEIR FB; not OURS. We don’t wanna see it? That’s what the “hide” button is for. There is also an “unfriend” & “block” button that can both be used quite successfully! So I don’t bitch about what other people post…I just ignore it.
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bethylicious…your name is almost as nauseating as your face!
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My thoughts exactly Beth….and no you are not ugly…lol not sure why so many haters on the web…lol. Thank your hubby for his service.
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I agree there some things that should be kept private. If you don’t want everyone to know your business don’t post it. Also, it would be a good idea to ask your friends not to post things. I heard on NPR news this morning facebook is going to be a publicly traded stock. This could be interesting.
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Usually you’re pretty funny. But this entire post sounds like the whining of a twenty-something student who wishes her life were more advanced. Every single thing you listed is an achievement, evidence to other people’s happiness and milestones in their lives. And yet, instead of being happy for them, like an adult, you whine and bitch about it. I know life at Mom and Dad’s isn’t the best, but don’t dump on the rest of us for moving on with our lives and making progress.
Sometimes the truth isn’t all that funny.
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This sounds like the post of someone who has nothing better to do in their day than write their whole life so the whole world can see what an A**hole they are. If I wanted to know what was going on in your life I’d ask you not read it on Face Book.
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Really????????
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So everything on this list is an achievement to you? Hahahaha! You are the one that is failing at life. You wish that just one of these things would happen to you. You are the whiny bitch!
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This isn’t whining at all. She has valid points. I love when my friends post their good news, struggles, annoyances and victories; it makes me feel like I am connected to them across the miles and builds a sense of community. I enjoy sharing in their success while I enjoy my own. Engagement, wedding and baby pictures make me smile and I love looking at them and celebrating with the individuals.
That being said, and I tend to over-share so I am qualified to say this, there is such a thing as too much information. Who wants to know if a person is fully dilated? Who wants to see 273 pictures of a baby eating a jar of strained peas? The over-sharing of baby pictures concerns me not so much because the pictures all start to look alike and you get so tired of pictures of little Joey popping up on your news feed that you have to “hide” the parent even though you enjoy all the other things they post, but the fact that these parents are posting pictures of intimate moments for so many people to see. For an entire world to see, given the right hacking skills. Hello, dangerous!!! These people photograph posts of every. single. thing. their children do as if they are documenting their lives, as if every mundane thing they do is worthy of accolade. This is not good for children; it feeds into the “everyone is a winner”/entitlement mindset so many children seem to have these days. As for the urban-infused engagement pictures – although I enjoy every single one I come across, I do wonder where, when and how these became popular. As for the training updates – I am glad my friends are making healthy choices, but when you read about it every single day, you start to lose interest and end up “hiding” the person or just ignoring their posts.
In case you haven’t noticed, Mary pokes fun at things she does on Facebook as well. She writes about what we all think but never have the wherewithal to say. Rock on, Mary! *steps down from soap box*
Oh, and I would like to add (per a friend):
16. Any post that urges you to re-post out of some sort of guilt. “If you love me, you’ll repost this!”
“If you love Jesus, you’ll repost this. 99% of the people who read this won’t repost and share that they love Jesus. Will you?”
“Repost this if you are against kitten-abusing, nun-assaulting, tree-burning, puppy-lynching Nazis!”
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The “annonymous” was by accident as I did not post correctly.
~BJ
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i was talking to Ariia. i love the post.
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Personally, I agree. Too much of a good thing can be annoying, anything TMI is always a bad thing (no one wants to know you have cramps this week or how dilated you are now). That being said, I have to agree with you, this post sounds like a bunch of “Woe is me, why can’t my life be that great?”
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I agree to a certain point. I don’t know that the author of this post is jealous though …. just not interested in ANYTHING not pertinent to the author’s life … talk about narcissism. Bitching and moaning status updates is my number one annoyance with FB.
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Re: No. 3:
You left out the picture of the baby’s raisin-stained diaper with the comment “LOL!!!!.”
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Got some good points there. How is it that the truth is so funny? LOL. Although when you have kids you will think everything they do is amazing and want to share with the world. Unfortunatley, you are the only one who thinks so! Here are a few more:
#16. Duckface pictures! we all know your jawline and cheekbones only look like that when you make that weird ugly face!
#17. Letting everyone know about your marital/personal problems.
#18. Asking all your “fb friends” to comment on your status and if they dont they will get deleted! Darn I’ve been at work all day and got home after your countdown ended.
#19. Contrary, Getting deleted off facebook isn’t the end of the world!
Love your posts, I always look forward to reading them. :)
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I notice you didn’t title it “15 things white people should not consider…” :)
You are learning!
Thanks for another brilliant piece. You hit pretty much all of my top FB turn-offs.
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Bwaaaahahaha! So true! Thanks for the rofl fit!
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I agree with most of the things, especially 3 and 11. I really hate it when friends directly grab a whole folder of pictures and drag it to Facebook regardless of how many of the pictures are almost the same or so out of focus that you can hardly guess what’s on them. I also think it is idiotic to like and even comment on your own posts when nobody else does. As for number 10… Well, I am a sucker for urban decay photography and if I ever get engaged/ married, chances are big that I will do the same someday. And so far I have been doing only number 5 every once in a while. But posting undercover workout info containing only numbers and no words at all isn’t that bad, is it? I let people make blind guesses about the meaning of the numbers and sometimes they come up with really funny suggestions :) .
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Could not agree more!
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Unless you can make fun of yourself, you’re not really that funny. Mary’s funny.
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hahaha brillliant. i couldnt agree more.
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Great post! And, oh so true! Some folks post a ton of Jersey Shore updates – I just wanted to un-friend each and every one of them. I did post a picture of a coffee mug once and had more likes on it than my kids photo from Christmas. Irony!
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Laughed the whole way through – so true! Thanks
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There is nothing useful on FB. But I couldn’t stop…I like the babies with the raisons, I admit, but the rest is shit, pure shit. I hate FB, I hate FB. I would also add I hate the religious stuff, the what I am eating on my diet status, the how great my blank blank is status. It is an addiction though, I couldn’t stop even though i hated it. Now I blog. I’ve replaced one addiction with another.
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Facebook should automatically block any status updates that include the words “dilated” or “crowning”.
Thanks for another amusing piece!
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I cannot believe you ignored “Duckface” of yourself and/or your friends.
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I think the “Consider” thing removes that from this particular list lol, “duck face” should just be obliterated, not thought about.
Speaking of which…Geeeeeeeze! Who the crap thought that up? And then who decided it was supposed to be sexy?
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“6. A picture of the flowers your boyfriend gave you. Why are you thanking us? We didn’t give you the flowers.”
HA. yes. brilliant.
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Hahaha I can relate to sooo many of these. I don’t know what it is about people in their 20s and hipster engagement photos…I can’t wait for Valentines Day and all the flower pictures that are gonna spring up. Ugh.
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One of my FB friends posed for pregnancy photos in front of what I can only imagine is a support pylon under a bridge. The lighting and her outfit were pretty and she looked beautiful (she is one of those cute pregnant women who look like they swallowed a basketball) but I couldn’t help cracking up at the hardcore graffiti behind her. Nothing says “sweet innocence” like a gang tag.
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Reblogged this on Inspiration Avenue.
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That’s so true. Esp #1! Gross. Tell me when the kid gets here but I REEEALLY DON’T need to know how wide open ur vag is, thanks! Ewwww!
#10 & #14 are super true too.
However, I’m completely guilty of #3, except with cats, not babies. Yup, I’m a 29 year old crazy cat lady :-)
Love your posts!
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haha love it! thanks for not having anything about posting excessive pictures of Dog On Couch, Dog Playing In Field. Bring Your Dog To Work Day! as that’s all I ever do. Guess that’s still legal ;)
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This. Everything on this list inches me closer to getting rid of my account. I cull my list of friends every now and then but I still manage to have people on who want to tell me when they are sick, when their kid is acting up, and when they worked out. Yes I care because we’re friends but I don’t care to know about these things EVERY time you do them/they happen. Sigh.
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You’re killin’ me!!! This is hilarious and unfortunately sooooo true.
Thanks for your insight, you say what we all are thinking, well, except for
those who post how dilated they are or how great thier pic of themselves
is. . .yada, yadam yada.
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after attempting to do a diatribe about facebook for months now, your post made it oh so easy to read what i should have written. thanks.
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hahaha this is great. especially #5
http://spotthestereotype.wordpress.com
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Awesome post! It’s funny because it’s so, so true. I hate it when people post about their kids’ “poopy diapers”! Gross!
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So great!
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Haha – this was great, and I couldn’t have said it any better. I will have to pass this onto some of my friends – they will get quite a kick out of it:)) Great post and I look forward to sharing more with you:))
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