Me + World

Night is my other best friend. The darkness allows you to be alone, eat alone, and there are no silly questions about it. You’re allowed to sit in a room with no tv and no music and no electricity and nobody asks why. I like to lay with Monty at the end of my bed and think of everything that is alive. I start with me and move across the room, the street, the neighborhood, city, state, and then I move up. Out. I pan out and watch it all from above, see where I fit. Spot the breathing electricity out of windows. I do this for hours at night. I try not to get blindsided by some faulty thought that I am alone. Because that isn’t true. When I look through the lens properly, it’s clear that all the little beams of light coming through all the little windows connect us. And in dissillusioned visions that imply you’re alone, you find in kind silence, you’re not. That little list you’ve made of everything separating you- turn it upside down. Make a funny doodle of it. It’s a delusion gaining momentum. To position yourself away from the world and claim you’re alone is uncreative; as if this is your only life! You’re not. It isn’t. And all the energy you’re expending effects every little window you think you aren’t connected to. It dims the lights.

If you’re alone, then why do you feel sad when you see a stranger cry? Because you’ve held her pain before. Why do you feel bad for the prisoner, the killer? Because you’re capable of hate, too. And you gave money to him on the street, when you know just what he’ll buy with it. But he showed his gold teeth to you and you smiled back and didn’t let anybody see–You’ve been desperate, too. And you felt loss when you killed an ant and sad when you watched an elephant. You’ve been looked over before. If there’s only you, why do you smile when you see a dad playing with his kid and a grandma teaching someone to cook and a dog making someone laugh and old people holding hands? Because you’ve felt unconditional love, too. How even the thought of lemon makes your mouth water, you know just what that kind of love tastes like. Why when you’re all alone in bed does your mind flood with all the people of the world, the ones you’ll never see, and the open parts, the good parts that haven’t happened yet, and a deep warmth rises in you, that though your body is weak your spirit is strong and for a moment it will occur to you just how big a dent you can make. Because you are not alone.  Just as when the lights turn off, there is blackness and in the newness you think everything’s disappeared–Adjust. The chair is still there, where it always was. Now you see it when you look with right eyes.  You couldn’t be the only one here. You’re important, but not that important. You’re not everything. But you contain the energy and carry the weight of everything that ever was.

You embody every war won and every battle lost. Every kid that died and everyone that survived. Your fingers touched the cotton of every cotton quilt and your arms grew heavy from the labor all day long. You’re jaded from all the gold in the world not being enough and blind from an excess of things that left you empty. Your tears are made of theirs. Your laugh makes the same sound. Your heart is made of all the holes of infedelity and the solidity that binds it is made of  loyalty and kept promises. That’s why every heart is capable of breaking but can also be reassembled. Just as it can hurt, it can heal. Ask a child to love you and she’ll know what to do. That’s why when you cry, I cry too. And that’s why when you die, I’ll die too. When we see each other there, after having all this fun, we’ll laugh at the bad parts, rejoice at the good parts, and once again we’ll smile together.

Tell me again, how you think you’re alone? These aren’t bad things, friend, these are treasures we share.

Health, Happiness, Togetherness!

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20 thoughts on “Me + World

  1. Beautiful. I definitely agree about the night, thing. I have caused myself many sleep issues in my life simply because there is something calming and solitary about the dark and the quiet sounds of nothing in your house, that let me escape from the days teaching and just be alone with my thoughts and my dog, Zeppelin.

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  2. So beautifully written, and so very thought-provoking. I often feel so very alone, even when I’m surrounded by people. The thought that we’re not really alone, even when we are, is so comforting. I’ll try to remember next time I feel that way. Thank you for sharing your beautiful words with us!

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  3. Beautifully written Mary–thank you for you perspective. You’ve made me smile this morning when I needed it most. Your strength, courage, and kindness overwhelm me. To think of someone in such a state to be as positive as you–well, makes me sad for all the people who don’t carry the burden like we do every day and their poor attitudes. Thanks again for keeping my head up, like so many of your posts tend to do.

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  4. I do certainly want to believe in the thought but I am sorry. May be what we gain in years after all makes us alone. Actually alone. But I will remember that night is one of the friends which was the topic of another post and the night has been kind with its darkness but at the same time with the newness (which Ms. Gelpi has correctly identified) of things and energy. Things you know are true at 27 are suddenly and not so suddenly cease to exist when you get another ten years. Is this criminal in some direction? Who knows. Not me. Well, no, very well written dear friend. Health, happiness and young dreams.

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  5. Beautifully written but I just can’t agree. Having felt what others are feeling now doesn’t make you a part of their life and I’ve cried more than enough times seeing happy people to know that we don’t share much. We may be more or less the same and still still alone.

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