To Be a Girl.

I must admit, I really love being a girl. I’m not sure most people would know that considering a few things. I’m not overwhelmingly feminine. I don’t officially dress the part that often. And my manners slip up a lot. Maybe I’m thinking more about what it is to be a Southern Girl, but I love being that too, even though I know I don’t always do the South proud. Still, it’s in me. And I like that it is.

A disappointing factor in being sick is that my wardrobe has taken quite a hit. I used to work 5 or 6 days a week, and I enjoyed putting together my little corporate outfits each day. It always felt like a part I was playing anyway, so I took time for the appropriate costume. There’s pride in getting dressed for work each day. Even if it was a crappy day– bad weather or crappy co-workers–whatever it was, there was still some amusement in dressing each day. Looking my best. It was some part of the job that I could control. And I indulged in looking good and smelling good and hearing my heels click on the gallery floor. There was some identity, among pride, in the ritual of all of that.

Now I don’t have somewhere to be 5 out of the 7 days a week. I don’t have to wake up at some ridiculous hour–which let me be clear, I don’t miss in the least. And while I don’t miss hitting the snooze button 6 times before forcing myself out of bed and dragging myself to the shower, I do miss the ritual of working. The wardrobe it required. The pride in looking good and knowing your purpose and getting a paycheck every two weeks. Clear parameters. Certain expectations. Consistent and adequate wages. I realize that while you’re working it’s not uncommon to be fantasizing about not working, because that grind–it’s a lot. Every day. All day. The same people. The same setting. It can be overwhelming in its sameness.

While I did enjoy the ritual of working, I knew I couldn’t stay there forever, mostly because it didn’t do a lot for my soul. The work was not a challenge creatively in the least. I told myself that I could work full-time and do my creative work on the side. I could write and draw at night or on the weekends, but I was so dead at the end of each day, so spent by the weekends, I always spent them half-conscious in sweats watching mindless television or attempting to write but tiring out quickly. Maybe some could do it, but it was certain I could not. One day I would have to leave that job if I wanted to explore the more creative life, but I never thought it would be involuntary. It was–due to my health. I wonder how long I would have stayed there had it not been.

Anyway, now I am sort of living the creative life. I follow my inner-self a lot which is a privilege, I admit. I’ve learned songs on my dads guitar. I paint watercolors when I’m bored. I watch French movies to brush up on my French. I write. I read. I rest. Repeat. I think it would be easy to look at my life from the outside and say it looks easy. And to an extent it’s certainly easier than my scheduled life I used to lead. There’s no calling in sick or feeling guilty about not performing well. But also, there’s no paycheck. No official schedule to follow or tasks to complete. But I have a feeling those things will come again.

It’d be easy to fall down the black hole of daytime TV or something more depressing. I work hard to keep things moving. To strike when the creativity is hot. To find newness in each day. I consciously work to keep my life from going to stagnant–that’s where a girl could get into trouble.

Since my new life doesn’t require any certain wardrobe, I often joke about the clothes I wear and my general appearance. Not to mention, the whole showering and routine that follows deal totally exhausts me, so it’s often a matter of energy reserves. I used to be so polished. Now I leave my hair curly and wild and am wearing a stretch cotton tank top with a cat wearing sunglasses on it. This of course is acceptable, as I don’t really have visitors or male suitors. Haha. But still, as much as I have to strive to keep my life moving, I think I need to remember that I am a girl and I can look pretty when I try. And I really enjoy smelling good. I don’t have official reasons to make those things happen anymore, but maybe just being a girl is reason enough.

Like last night, I painted my nails this bright red. And it really thrilled me. Red nails! The thrills of being a girl!

Glamour on a Tuesday.
Glamour on a Tuesday.

Laughably I take pride in being able to give myself a manicure comparable to the professional ones. Since I’m broke I can’t afford those things, but I can do them myself and so I do. I also bought this knock-off gold watch for $20 dollars which I really enjoy wearing. The best part is it fit perfectly, I didn’t have to remove any links. It makes me feel glamorous, with these red nails and lipstick too. Sometimes when I’m feeling good, I take really long bubble baths, I spend a long time doing my hair, I put on full makeup, and I spray myself in perfume. And then I go nowhere. I strut around my house like an idiot, just like it used to be–a girl playing dress up. Or I pretend to go somewhere and take photos like these:

Here's Monty and Me and the Eiffle!
Here’s Monty and Me at the Eiffle!
And here we are at the Aquarium!
And here we are at the Aquarium!

Monty gets nervous because it’s gotten to the point where if I put on pants he knows I am probably leaving. But I don’t leave. I clean the house. I indulge in the mirror. And still, even though I have nowhere to go or no one to see– I revel in being a girl. If even just to remind myself that when I try, I can still be one. One day I will have places to be and people to meet and parties to attend, so I’m just making sure I still know how. How to be polished. How to walk with poise in heels. How to look the part. How to be a girl.

Health, Happiness, Remembering.

Advertisements

12 thoughts on “To Be a Girl.

  1. I love being a girl too. I can relate to what you said about planning to do creative stuff on weekends and after work and it just not happening. I often have the best intentions of writing after work, but usually find my brain is just exhausted. You have a lovely blog here by the way.

    Like

  2. Being in a similar boat, I have found it beneficial to give myself a pretend schedule. Of course, a day in day out schedule would likely drive me insane, so instead I’ve developed a mad-scientist type system to keep me from the daytime tv black hole. I wrote out a list of everything I need to do on an every day basis. Everything from chores to bubble baths. “Watch a movie” and “watch a new movie you’ve never seen” are both on it. Watch TV, read a book, play some video games, write, draw, learn how to do something new (usually via pinterest), go for a walk, do the laundry, practice cooking, work on your long term writing projects, read an educational book (usually about writing), send your writing to a publisher, blog, etc etc etc. Then I take a deck of cards, draw a number, then count down from the last task I did and do what I land on. This system has gone through many modules but I find this one most successful. Plus it’s the only reason I ever attempt to exercise or practice music or clean. It promotes balance and spontaneity and YES I know I’m crazy. One day I’ll write a full how to. Aaaaanyway, just ideas! Loved this post and clearly I can relate. :P

    Like

  3. Well, if you want to practise your French, we could chat and laugh about having Fibro. I mean, you have to admit that some of that shit is quite funny. Yes, I do put milk in the cupboard and my keys in the fridge. I figure fibro fog in French has got to be even funnier. Qu’est-ce que tu pense?

    Like

  4. This is great. Thank you for living in the moment and relishing every second of it. Thank you for not giving a shit about others and only putting yourself first. If only we all knew how to do that, we would not have as many internal struggles as we do right now (or at least, I wouldn’t). Thank you for showing me that life can be just the way I want it to be, if I work at it.

    Like

  5. My last job before my current required me to wear the same company shirt every day to a 9-5 job. it made me absolutely crazy and I was embarrassed to leave my office just in case I would be sighted. I missed being able to display my identity every day.

    Now I work from home 5 days a week. It just started – so I haven’t figured out the whole shower schedule, dressing schedule, etc….but I can tell you that I don’t smell good or look good right this second at 10:30a.m.

    Like

  6. Well done, you have to remember what is important, and you are important. The essence of you and all the little things that make you, you. And remember you are a girl with symptoms of fibro but please don’t identify with the stinking syndrome or disease or whatever they call this thing that wipes us out cold.
    Take care, love yourself and others
    God bless
    Susie

    Like

  7. You are gorgeous! The older I’m getting (27), the more I am understand HOW to be a girl. I’ve kinda been tomboyish or notcareish my entire life, but it’s slowly settling in right now. Better late than never I suppose.
    Are you still in the LA area?

    Like

  8. You need beauty products!

    Dry shampoo for when you don’t want to shower.
    Some type of roller for your hair to set in.
    Moisturizer
    and Lipstick! You always look polished with a nice matte lipstick. I like to do my lips instead of my eyes, that way at the end of the day I don’t feel pressure to wash my face because there’s no makeup!

    Or lip pencil, I’ve been into lip pencil recently. It gives nice color without the bleed and messiness of lipstick.

    I recommend Kate Moss matte lipstick from Rimmel. It’s under $5 and looks/feels/tastes like $20 stuff. Buy it at the drugstore.

    Like

  9. You are fantastic. For some reason, this post gives me goosebumps. I love being a girl, too. It’s so fun to get all gussied up, and go nowhere at all… just being with your pretty self, enjoying the moment. Love this post.

    Like

Leave a Reply. It's nice to hear from ya.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s