WILD FRIDAY NIGHT

This just happened.

That sounds intense and nothing big really happened so maybe that’s a false setup.

It’s Friday night and I am alone and having one of those days. If my disposition were weather it’d be grey and off and on drizzly. If it were a band it’d be Coldplay. If I were a reality show character I’d be Bruce Jenner in those transition lenses he wears. OK so the point is it’s just been kind of a depressing day. For no particular reason but a few small ones and others I can’t pin down. I’ve had this headache which is also all over my face–for a week– and it’s not responsive to pain killers and it’s not a migraine. My whole jaw hurts blah blah blah. It’s been tough trying not to let the pain get me down. I think at some point it’s not the pain anymore that gets to you, it’s just not being able to offer your focus and energy to other things. It’s like a hangnail. Even a small pain just steals your thoughts, and after a while its annoying and exhausting. This is the point where my friends would make a joke about how bad my headache must hurt because I have such a big head. And then I’d say “thanks guys” and then we’d watch The Kardashians.

Anyway, for someone who loves being alone, thrives at being alone…I suddenly had that empty lonely feeling. And I don’t have it a lot. I really treasure solitude. But suddenly I had that feeling that I was the only person at my house at night and the world was at this party the world was partying and I was missing out and it made me a little sad. You know what the worst part of being single is? It’s not having someone to do nothing with. See a Friday night stayed in and watching crappy TV with someone you love is great. Or it feels fine anyway. But alone, crappy TV can get real sad. The other issue I might have is that I have a total addiction to my dog admittedly and I think it might be a problem. I can’t tell if it makes me the most kickass dog owner ever or the worst human being. I hang out with him a LOT and take him basically everywhere. And I worry about him when he’s not around. I wish I could nonchalantly yell “Oh it’s JUST A DOG” like so many people I hear. When does it become concerning? I think I’ve reached the point of concern, I’m not sure though. Although I DID go on a date last week and we ended up at a bar called the Bulldog because they allow dogs there and I definitely took Monty. But come on that’s normal. I’ve always let Monty pick my men. I’ll tell you about that date later. I guess. I just realized I don’t know who you are or if you’re reading and also why I’m writing this blog about absolutely nothing especially on a nothing night like tonight. But I’m in a careless enough mood that I’ll keep going. I mean clearly I have nothing else to do.

So it’s Friday night and I’m sitting on my couch and there is shit on TV. Alaskan Women Seeking Men, I Hate My Butt!, Last Call With Carson Daly. (How is that show still on?) I’m antsy and looking around at the walls of my living room. Disconnected thoughts are filing in and out of my mind. I consider rearranging the pictures I’ve hung. I consider rearranging the furniture in different ways. I wonder how many headache meds I would have to take in order for the pain to go without shutting the rest of my body down. Too many, I’ll try ice. I consider cutting my hair. I wonder what book I’ll read next. I want to read more. I need more books. Then I look at Monty. He was licking his butt. He felt me looking at him and stops and stares. “Monty,” I say. “Am I the most boring person in the world?” I swear to God, he yawned one of those huge yawns that’s like too large for his face and makes it vibrate at the end. Then he looks at me a few seconds more and goes back to licking things. I can’t explain it but I completely busted out loud laughing. Maybe at the tragedy of it all. How pathetic the night is and how even Monty knows it. Monty comes over, jumps up on the couch and laid his head on my lap. It felt awesome. I know I might have a problem with not pushing my boundaries enough socially and being a homebody and yada yada. But sometimes it’s just so nice; just us two. I know I need to try harder, but honestly, this often feels like enough.

PARTY TIME
PARTY TIME

It’s funny how small we can feel sometimes. When you think about the entire earth and how many people are on it and all the important things everyone is doing you start to question if you’re doing enough. Especially when you’re watching Alaskan Women Seeking Men. I don’t think we were put here just to play around. It’s a recreational world too and we shouldn’t forget that either. But I think it’s time for something new. And maybe that just means a haircut or changing my living room furniture or doing something significant like taking a risk and doing things that aren’t comfortable. I don’t know yet. But for real the seasons are turning and something is turning in me. Truly it was an OK week. I got a lot of writing done and  hung out with my dog a lot and I picked flowers when it was nice outside. I am alone on a Friday night. And for a second that felt awful. And then it all felt like enough. And for now, enough is enough.

Health, Happiness, FRIDAY NIGHT BABY!

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8 thoughts on “WILD FRIDAY NIGHT

  1. The worst part about days like that is the nagging feeling that you could be doing something productive, but nothing in the world will actually convince you to do so, and so the endless circle of boredom and guilt goes.

    I usually end up petting my dog a thousand times too by the way. Good luck on finding a partner to share boring moments with. And you are right; its better to be bored with someone.

    http://teachingliljohn.wordpress.com

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  2. I swear you are me in another place. That’s creepy, no? I mean we have pretty much the same lives and thoughts, you’re just so much better at putting them to words! I wish your Monty could meet my German Shepherd Boostie. And I wish I could meet you! Then all 4 of us could sit around on Friday nights doing nothing but reading and thinking random thoughts and wondering if we’re missing out because all the other 29 year olds are out with friends or significant others partying.

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  3. When I was your age, I lived alone with my Black Lab, Zorro. We were totally in each other’s pockets, and I ABSOLUTELY let him pick my men!! He was a much better judge than I was. Dogs are people, to me anyway. I talk to my Toller all the time, as he makes a great sounding board. Fortunately, my hubby doesn’t mind since he has his Chessie to pay attention to him. Give Monty a hug for me!

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  4. You have an awesome dog. My late dog wouldn’t leave my side when I was feeling bad, and I now have a cat who does the same thing, something I never thought cats were that good at. Try to go out once a week if you can. It doesn’t have be a date, just go somewhere where you can see friends or just people watch. It’s a connection with humanity, such as it is sometimes!

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  5. Right now I’m sitting at my sisters birthday party, surrounded by people, and still feeling lonely. It’s hard when they’re all running around and drinking when I have to stay sitting down for the night. Most people don’t want to sit down for long. It makes you feel very left out. It sucks sometimes, but I guess at least I’m here, which is more than I have achieved for a while. Small steps :)

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  6. Oooooh you went on a date….do tell! I can remember being alone when I moved to Ohio for a year and knew nobody, i would have loved a dog at that moment. Anyone to spend time with even a turtle. We saw a friend eating dinner alone and my wife said…poor guy, and I said no- way dude, dinners alone are great i even like going to movies alone but it’s true imagining everyone else partying is what makes me restless. But you won’t always be alone, come visit your brother if you need some company. And the best way to get over being lonely is to put on jazz Christmas music and draw while drinking coffee! Try it it really works!

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