My Awesome Friend Jess

She’s Cool Actually.

This page is an ongoing dialogue between my friend Jess and I,  not just this picture I took of her in New Orleans.


104 thoughts on “My Awesome Friend Jess

  1. One time, Mary asked me what type of cuisine is special to Saint Louis. I was stumped. Never before had I considered what I ate and what I grew up eating to be special and uniquely Mid-Western. Completely dumb founded, I said Italian. For real. She looked at me like I was an idiot and I defended myself by saying how there is this neighborhood called “The Hill” and actual Italianos live there! Their restaurants are to die. Like, way better than Olive Garden.

    A few months later, I was sitting in a Bandana’s Bar-b-que “Smell that Smoke” and it hit me: This is what she was talking about. Freaking BBQ! Oh, yeah. My last meal on Earth would be a whole day of eating all my favorite meals e.g. Fries, duh, pizza, duh, ice cream, soda, cheeseburgers, duh, duh, duh, shrimp!

    Aside: in New Orleans visiting Mary I wanted to eat only New Orleans cuisine i.e. Shrimp! First meal: Shrimp Po’ Boy with fried green tomatos and hot sauce (fucking A-right,) second meal: shrimp and scallop dinner plate (bomb,) third meal: crawfish (weird how black goo runs down your arm, but delish,) forth meal: crab cakes with poached eggs (yum, I’m also running out of food describer words) fifth meal: this is where the story lies…

    Both me and Mary were sick and tired of crestation. Like, grossed out, so we decided to get pizza! On the walk to the pizzaria we noticed a better looking Mexican joint next door. Delima. We chose Mexican and what else? Shrimp tacos.

    OK, back to the main story: as part of my last day of eating on Earth the grand finale or maybe not would be pulled pork with sweet and spicy BBQ sauce, potato salad, baked beans, and roasted corn-on-the-cob (for nutrition, duh.) And that there, Mary is my proper answer to Mid-Western cuisine.

    (I must say I wasn’t totally off mark when I said Italian for Saint Louis cuisine. We here like to eat this one dish called Moscacholi– especially at weddings–which is penne pasta in red sauce with cheese on top baked. I have a memory eating this for lunch at a retarded day camp where I voluntered. Dude, never serve moscacholi for retarded kids at day camp.)


    1. Crap, last night when I ate at Bandana’s Bar-B-Q, Derek informed me that this type of food was Texan. Really? So maybe Missourian cuisine is country fried stake and mashed potatos? I give up.


  2. Whoa, whoa, whoa, I must intergect!

    Once, a few years back while hanging out at my then douch bag boyfriends restaurant (I dumped him because he dumped me for someone else! That really showed him!) I met this man who lived in the loft above. We started talking as most people do when they sit at a bar alone. He was black.

    Well, he was really into The Power of Now, the same book Mary now calls her gospel. He told me about the teachings and how it transformed his life. He said how he used to drink too much and sleep with too many women (I made that up.) And then, BAM!! He read The Power of Now and everything changed.

    As I am interested in most things of zero value, like Brad Pitts hair, I was full on convinced that i had found the secret to life and I would no longer have to hang out at my douch bag boyfriends place of employment talking to strangers for I will have found a reason to live (I made that up. Let’s just say I was listening and head nodding.)

    After his whole shpeal, I actually thought what he was saying had some value, then BAM! Here was the kicker: he told me he lived so much in the present that he didn’t cry or feel sad or grief when his mom died. He had power over everything.

    I think this is the crux of The Power of Now: not processing human emotion. This man was so into the present that he missed out on a real human experience: feeling the loss of a loved one. I don’t think it matters how in the present you are, you still need to recognize how you feel.

    Like in Seinfeld and the “serenity now,” I am 100% certain that this man who ignored his feelings about his mother’s death will or has already had a serious breakdown. No matter how connected you are to now, I think it is also important to acknowlage and process your feelings.

    The Power of Now has some good points to take away and incorporate into your life, but I think you have to respect yourself and your human fallibility. Just don’t get so stuck in the present that you ignore your human emotions. It is necessary to feel what your body natuarally wants you to feel. Separate yor feelings from your identity all you want. Don’t let them define who you are, but don’t also let them go unfelt.

    And P.S. I used to play a lot of Barbies as a kid, like a lot, and last night while pondering Tom Brady and Gisele Bunchen, I realized that I am still playing Barbies just not with Barbies.


    1. Number one. Your friend totally blew it. It’s important to distinguish the essence of who you are from your feelings, but you can’t just go around NOT FEELINGS THINGS. That shit cray. And yeah, if your mom dies, you need to feel it. Your friend saying that he had power over everything was his ego disguising itself as ‘getting it.’ Not feeling grief is not living in the present. In fact it’s the opposite. Your friend was living in denial. The more ‘Power of Now’ way to go about it, is to allow yourself to feel sad, feel the loss. And also to accept that life is temporary and that his mom is participated in a process that has been part of the deal all along. The way to not go about it is to say, I could have done something to prevent it, Or I can’t go on without her, or Now that something bad has happened to me, I’m allowed to do bad things. In other words Jess, YOUR FRIEND BLEW IT.

      Also, The Power of Now is not my new bible. It’s one of many books I’m finding that are pointing me to the direction of consciousness. Now I’m reading The Seat of the Soul by Gary Zukav. It’s another goodie. Also I’m reading Strong Motion by Johnathan Franzen. Have you read Freedom yet? Dude, you must. PEACE.


      1. Whoa, whoa, whoa, this guy i wrote about in my post was not my friend. He was just some dude I spoke to once! Stop saying he is my friend!!!

        And yeah, The Power of Now doesn’t say to abandon feelings, I just think within certain interpretations, that message could get lost.

        Serentity now!!

        You know what book taught me a lot about the mind and body connection? Stranger in a Strange Land by Robert A. Heinlein. Its about a human, Valentine Michael Smith, who was raised on Mars then brought back to Earth. Read that!! “I’m only and egg.”


    2. You spelled interject wrong! Get it together Jess. You are soooo incredibly right about playing barbies. Also, do you dream about your wedding? I do. A lot. In a gross way. I even buy bride magazines to look for dress ideas. I’ve been doing that for like a year now, and it wasn’t until my last layover in the airport that I bought Modern Bride magazine and the cashier asked when I was getting married. “Oh, uh, I’m not….I’m just…” “INSANE?!” She didn’t say that, but you could see it in her eyes. She’s right I guess. I should stop. It’s just so much fun being a girl. I feel sorry for boys.


  3. At the office, I have successfully memorized everyones foot step sounds. Like the owner, he does a shuffle, so whenever I hear that I know I should look busy.

    Then, there’s Stampee. She walks with such aggressivness that her foot steps make the floor rumble. I nic-named her Stampee from that episode of The Simpsons where Bart wins the elephant and names him Stampee.

    When I walk I try not to stamp because I don’t want a nic-name. And I try not to shuffle because that sounds silly in pumps and I want to be respected by my collegues. (You know that matters) so that is probably why I walk without moving my arms trying to make as little noise as possible.

    I remember being in adolecence and every sound my parents made used to make be angry. I hated how my dad’s fork would scrape his teeth when we ate. And my mom would always lick her lips in the car. My insides would be on fire.

    And color me jealous for those air tight canisters. And whistling without vibrato is for the amateur.


    1. Hey Jess! My legs are on fire and it’s 5 in the morning and I was doing what I usually do in this position, scanning facebook and making note of how ridiculous people are and then trying to find some fresh wedding photos, honeymoon photos, or baby photos that I have yet to look through. There were no fresh ones. Then I was like WAIT, what about Jess? What is that whore up to? And now here I found you, just like I imagined I would. Still typing away on this page. You’re the best friend ever Jess. (Hugs computer screen uncomfortably)

      So, I’m an aunt for the second time. Boo yah kuh shaw! This means I get to buy cute shit, spoil the hell out of her, and not have to worry about the consequences or her behaving badly, because she’s somebody else’s kid. But even so, I’ll teach her good things and make sure she knows the ways of the world. Mostly I just pray she doesn’t have fibromyalgia. But if she does, I’ll be there for her and we’ll compare pill effectiveness together.

      Jess, we’re getting old. Do you plan on reproducing? Because I do, and technically our biological clocks are ticking faster and faster and faster. Sometimes at night I hear my own ovaries ticking. It’s winding down Jess. We need to begin soon. But judging from this page, I’m not so sure we’re ready to be mothers. Gabe was like “I really want to have a kid before I’m 30” and I kindof agreed with him but then I was like, wait, look what we’re doing. We’re stoned and playing monopoly with friends with poor jugdment. We can’t have a kid yet. Then we sold all our properties and went bankrupt.

      I’d like to come to St. Louis and visit you. I’ve never been to Louie. (Remember, that was the nickname we gave it to say to people from California who don’t think St. Louis is cool) But you need to get a couch. Or air mattress. Let me know when the deed is done. PEACE.


      1. It’s like, “Of course I want kids.” Then it’s like, “I want to be a business woman! Screw kids!” And finally, “Shit, I’m gonna need those fuckers when I’m old, lonely, and desperate for company.”

        I don’t know when it will happen. Maybe it’s happening right now and I just don’t know yet, or maybe it will never happen, who knows?

        I see on Facebook EVERYONE with a ute is renting it out. And my older co-workers are suggesting I get started. I’ve just never been driven by babies. I’ve always had different objectives with my life.

        Honestrly, I never wanted kids until I met you. Your enthusiasm and truthfulness was something I admired. I never before had let myself want something that seemed so cliche.

        I hope I can have kids, but if I can’t I will have to deal with that as it comes. The plus side of barrenness is mo money! Hello lake house on Lake Como like George Clooney!

        I’m not one of those girls that is driven by marriage and kids. No way. Those things aren’t on my To Do list. If it happenes, it happens. If not, maybe I could be a cool step mom or an awesome Aunt that drinks too much.

        Now, is not the time for kids, but I don’t think we can decide when the right time will be. The universe has got that one.

        Here’s to drugs, adventure, and freedom. Live it up before those bastards take it away from us.


  4. Hey Mary!

    Come crash on my parent’s couch! Or Derek’s couch. I don’t have a couch. Maybe I shouldn’t impose on other people’s couches.

    Leap Day, bitches!! Let’s get naked!


  5. Oh, and I hear Becks is in an underwear commercial for H & M. Maybe that will erase from my mind Madonna’s push ups. Hopefully.

    And who directed the Super Bowl because there needed to be way more cut aways to Gisele. Am I right or am I right?


    1. You’re right you’re right. You’re always right. GOD. Dude I think that Frasier is the perfect show to watch before bed. Or The Golden Girls if you want something sassier. I’m reading Eat Pray Love right now. It makes me want to travel again. But I am poor, and also sick. So I get to read this book, dream about my old life, and take pills. Life is crazy dude. CRAZY.


      1. Haha. I like to watch The Office before bed. You know what movie is coming back to the iMax? Titanic!

        Derek is watching Scrubs. He likes to watch a series all the way through for a couple of months. And during that time he refers to the characters as his friends. So right now, when I ask him if he is playing Final Fantasy 13 Part 2 he will say, “No, I’m cleaning with my friends,” meaning he’s cleaning with an episode of Scrubs on the TV.


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